“I have so much work to get done today.”
“I can’t believe we had to wait over an hour at that doctor’s office.”
“Blinker! Use your blinker! They put them on a car for a reason.”
I may have uttered these complaints within the last three hours. But, to be fair, anyone on the planet could have also uttered those same complaints plus thousands of others. See, that’s the thing about complaining—we all do it, albeit to different degrees—and there are always so many things to complain about.
My interest in the topic of complaining began years ago when, yes, I was griping about wanting my own research niche. The person to whom I was whining said, “Well, you are such a good complainer, why don’t you study that?” Knowing he was surely joking about me being a complainer (I won’t complain about that here), I nevertheless took him seriously about the research topic and found, much to my surprise, that only one study in psychology had examined the topic. No complaints there. So, I set out to learn everything I could about complaining.
Why we complain
I learned that, unsurprisingly, sometimes people complain when they are truly dissatisfied. At other times, however, they complain not because they are unhappy, but because complaining allows them to get something else—maybe a free meal at a restaurant.
I also learned that people complain for a variety of other different reasons. Some people complain just to vent—to get something off their chest. Other people complain to make someone else account for their behavior. For instance, complaining to your spouse about them always coming home late is a way of asking them to account for their behavior. Still others complain because they believe it conveys a certain impression about them. For example, someone may complain about the cost of servicing their Lexus so that others will be impressed that they drive a Lexus.
The art of complaining
Wouldn’t you think, though, that a behavior in which every person in the world engages would be accompanied by a certain finesse? I mean, surely we would have mastered the art of complaining by now. At the risk of sounding like a complainer, we have not. People simply are not very good at complaining. They complain too much, or they complain to the wrong person, or they complain too much to the wrong person. But there is hope; there is an art to complaining. Let me give a few lessons in complaining.
First, you need to learn to complain strategically and in moderation. People who drone on and on about every little dissatisfaction they feel are not going to win friends but they may influence people (negatively). Sometimes less is more.
Second, you need to be strategic. Carefully select the audience for your complaint. If you just want to vent (i.e., expressive complaining), vent to different people so they don’t tire of you or see you approaching and turn the other way. If you want to complain about something specific, such as the fact that your air conditioner is on the fritz, call the company that can actually fix the problem (i.e., instrumental complaining).
Third, become aware of how often you complain. Will Bowen, founder of A Complaint Free World, developed a program to make people more aware of their complaining. He has people wear purple bracelets on their wrists. Using the idea that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit, when you complain, you move the bracelet to the other wrist. The ultimate goal is to go 21 days without complaining. These bracelets have been used in couples counseling to remind people how often they are complaining about their spouse. The underlying mechanism is an increased awareness of how often we are complaining so that we can work on becoming better, more effective complainers.
Finally, think of other ways to express your complaints. Be creative. Keep a journal in which you express complaints that you think other may not really want to hear. Keep a complaint jar. Write your complaints on slips of paper and then put them in the jar. Watch how quickly the jar fills up as an index that perhaps you need a bit more skill in your complaining.
Benefits to becoming an effective complainer
Is it worth all the effort? People have been complaining since time began and will continue to complain. What’s the real benefit to becoming a more effective complainer? There are several. In addition to your own affect improving, your relationships will also improve. As you spend less time focusing on what makes you unhappy and, therefore, less time relaying that information to others, you will spend more time focusing on what is positive and right in your world. People will be drawn to you as opposed to being stressed by you. It’s okay to complain; just do it with finesse.
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Complaining: How to Do It With Finesse - Psychology Today
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