How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I want to get freaky this summer like my goal is to have more sex, more weird sex, more freak nasty sex. But like, how the hell do I do that? I’d prefer to do it with people I’m attracted to, so none of the uggos and freaks that hit on me. And also men typically think that I’m trying to marry them when I’m just trying to have fun hookups on the regular. I’m also looking to find my queer women friends to also hopefully have hot nasty, gay sex with. So anyways, how do I do this/approach people/ask for this without sounding like a freak or desperate weirdo?
—Summer of Sin
Dear Summer of Sin,
Uggos, freaks, and desperate weirdos… where is all this judgment and shame coming from? You want “freak nasty” sex but not with “freaks.” You want to have “weird sex” but not risk coming off as a “desperate weirdo.” What’s going on, internally, here?
I ask because if you’re having an internal conflict you’re less likely to attract the kind of people who want to have hot sex with you. You’re less likely to feel and seem hot to them. You’re less likely to find those fun hookups.
So what’s the difference between people who have freak nasty sex and people who put you off because they feel like freaks? What kind of people have sex but aren’t weird? Do you feel weird, or like a freak, because of the sex you want to have? Ask yourself these questions. Ask a friend who accepts you as you are to talk through your feelings here together. If you don’t have one of those who you can speak freely with about sex, a sex-positive therapist might be your next step.
Get comfortable with your desires and you’ll be ready when you find the people who want to do the same things that you do.
Help us keep giving the advice you crave every week. Sign up for Slate Plus now.
Dear How to Do It,
This might be a bit philosophical, but where does kink come from? I read a lot of smutty romantic fiction where women have a praise kink and love being told “good girl.” I’m the opposite. I absolutely have a degradation kink and that’s not going to change, and I’m not ashamed of it. My partners have always been great about indulging it. But why is that such a thing for me? Is it because I work in a high-powered role (think C-suite) so it’s an emotional release to be degraded? But I liked it before I had that job! Is there no rhyme or reason for why certain people have certain kinks? And is there any data on the popularity of different kinks (even pop science surveys or stuff)? I’d like to know that I’m not alone in my preferences when the media I consume so often shows the opposite.
—Curious About Kink
Dear Curious About Kink,
I think pretty deeply about sexuality, but my friend Rain DeGrey does as well, and has had a specific focus on kink for most of her adult life—personally and professionally through her work in BDSM and kink pornography. So I reached out for her expertise.
Here’s what Rain had to say:
“The nature versus nurture question is one that will always be debated, but in the end, there is nobody better suited to answering the question ‘Why am I into this particular thing?’ than you. Two siblings can grow up in the exact same household with the exact same parents and have wildly different wiring in terms of their sexuality. Whether you were just ‘born this way’ or had a defining moment when you were younger that shaped you into the degradation craving creature you are today only you can answer.
I’ve always been of the opinion that those that are curious about their wiring and take the time to really learn about it are setting themselves up for greater sexual success in life. It’s perfectly possible for someone to be into degradation, incorporate it into their sex life, and not ever bother to dive any deeper into the whys of what gives them a happy brain. Being curious is always a good sign, in every aspect of life.
In your case, you aren’t ashamed of your kink and your partners have been really good about exploring your proclivities with you. Congrats on that-not everyone gets to experience that, for any number of reasons. If you haven’t had a chance to check it out yet, I want to recommend Princess Kali’s book on erotic humiliation Enough To Make You Blush. She even has a workbook and a deck of humiliation negotiation cards! Going through the workbook might give you a deeper understanding of the ‘Why?’ that you are seeking.
The concept of ‘high-powered person that needs to submit and be humbled in their personal life’ has been around so long as to be a cliche, but as you yourself said, you had this wiring before you got your current job. I can say with confidence that your current job has no bearing on what gets you off in the bedroom. Our sexuality and wiring are extremely wide-ranging and I have seen no evidence that being in a high-powered role at work makes one more inclined to seek out degradation…it is just one of the many options on the table. The sexual buffet of life has ever so many dishes and you have found a flavor that you love and keep going back for.
You are far from alone in what ticks your boxes Curious. Feeling like we are all alone in our wiring is a very isolating feeling, but if it helps any, there actually have been scientific studies done specifically on humiliation. It is a fairly common kink. The media we get fed is so filtered and restricted it is impossible for it to be an accurate representation of the human experience. Just because you’re not seeing yourself represented doesn’t mean there aren’t a ton of like-minded types out there. Keep doing research, keep learning, and keep having all the erotic degradation you desire. You have been crushing it so far.”
Dear How to Do It,
I really love doggy style with my partner. It hits just the right spot, plus I can use a toy to really amp things up! However… when we move out of that position I often queef. My partner doesn’t mind at all, but I’m embarrassed. I’d like to know How NOT to Do It!
—Questionable Queefing Queen
Dear Queefing Queen,
Doggy just sort of does that. You could try to have less of a good time—fewer, less strong orgasms and less activity during penetration—but I don’t think that’s the best way forward here.
Why are you embarrassed? Because it sounds like a fart? So your pussy is farting. That’s fine. The disgust we feel for farts is rooted in the smell, and its association with pooping. Your pussy farts smell like your pussy, which, presumably, your partner is into the smell of. And your pussy doesn’t poop. (I mean, if it does, proceed directly to a doctor. Head straight to the medical professional—with speed.)
—Stoya
More Advice From Slate
I’m a straight(-ish) woman in a relationship with a bisexual man. (We’re both in our early 30s.) He told me, soon after we got intimate, that he’s had sex with men for most of his adult life, though he’s only ever dated women. We got more serious, and we’re now exclusive and a year into our relationship. He’s always said he’s willing to be a one-person guy but would like to open things up when I feel ready, because he does have a high sex drive and desires that go in a lot of different directions. I now feel ready for this, but I’m struggling a bit with the limitations that I want to put on the situation.
"filled" - Google News
June 27, 2023 at 02:01AM
https://ift.tt/TMIB9Sx
Sex advice: I'm dreaming of having a summer filled with sinful sex - Slate
"filled" - Google News
https://ift.tt/lEhteSU
https://ift.tt/ZSNiaQO
Bagikan Berita Ini
0 Response to "Sex advice: I'm dreaming of having a summer filled with sinful sex - Slate"
Post a Comment