By Forrest Talley, Ph.D. and Dominique Inkrott, MSW
If you entered a time machine and traveled back to the middle of the last century, you would notice many differences. The cars would seem quaint, the supermarkets would seem smaller, the hairstyles would seem outdated, and televisions would seem positively pocket-sized. You would also find that unmarried women were significantly less sexually active than today.
Most women wished to make sure that a man was willing to be committed to her before she was sexually intimate with him. If she became pregnant, it was important that she have support. This often meant that having sex only occurred after marriage.
Research suggests that this old-fashioned approach to intimacy leads to deeper, happier, and longer-lasting relationships.
The prevailing understanding in eras past was that sex was profoundly important. For women, at least, it meant giving something of themselves that was very personal, private, of great worth, as well as a significant risk. If a woman were to become pregnant, she would be dependent on the support of her child’s father.
This understanding led most women to be comparatively restrained in their physical intimacy prior to marriage. That cautious approach had the consequence of enhancing a woman’s sense of control and self-worth. It also added a layer of protection from being treated as an object to be used for a man’s sexual gratification.
Changes in societal norms, the creation of the hormonal birth control pill, and the striving for equality between sexes led to a shift in attitudes. Women were encouraged to take a more casual attitude toward sexual intimacy (as men had done for so long), and many women embraced this new sexual “liberation” with gusto.
On a society-wide level, sex could be divorced from a sense of mutual commitment. Both men and women were now in agreement – sex could be seen, if one wished, as no more than a consensual agreement to engage in mutually pleasurable activities.
This recreational view of physical intimacy, at least partly, underlies the hookup mindset that many men and women now embrace.
Different Reactions to Sexual Intimacy
As a group, men and women respond very differently to casual sex.2,3,4,5,6,7,8 Research shows that participation in hookups often results in guilt and negative feelings. This occurs much more often in women than men.
In a study, 169 sexually experienced men and women were surveyed in singles bars. When presented with the statement, "I feel guilty or would feel guilty about having sexual intercourse with someone I had just met," 32 percent of men and 72 percent of women agreed. That means more than twice as many women expressed feeling guilt over hookups than men.
THE BASICS
This is consistent with a study by Grello et al. (2006) that found women were much more likely to experience depressive symptoms after having sex with a stranger than were men. In sum, women are more likely than men to experience painful emotional consequences due to casual sex. Very likely, part of the reason is that male and female brains differ.9,10,11,12,13,14 One consequence of such neurological differences is that women (in general) respond to sex differently than men.
Some may think this unfair. But nature is neither fair nor unfair – it just is.
One significant difference between the sexes focuses on Oxytocin, sometimes referred to as the “cuddle hormone.” Research shows that this hormone helps create a sense of closeness and bondedness with others. Oxytocin is released in several situations where bonding and feelings of closeness are important. It is a powerful hormone that can create strong psychological and emotional ties. Sexual intercourse, and other forms of physical intimacy, are one of the primary situations that trigger a release of oxytocin.
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Women’s brains release significantly more oxytocin than men. As a result, women frequently feel more bonded to their sexual partners after having sex.
In a committed relationship, this can be productive for increasing feelings of connectedness, intimacy, and unity as partners.
In the setting of casual sex, however, this flood of oxytocin fuels a feeling of bondedness with one’s partner, without any of the emotional or practical commitment of a relationship. This can lead to a sense of loss or “emptiness” and accompanying feelings of shame, guilt, and negative self-esteem.
Because women’s brains release so much more oxytocin than men’s brains, women feel these negative effects of casual sex much more acutely. For the same reason, women generally feel more distress than men following a casual hookup when reality shatters the feelings of bondedness fueled by the oxytocin-triggering sexual activities the night before.
Some may object that cultural influences better explain the different reactions of men and women to ‘meaningless sex’: That women are shamed for expressing and engaging in their sexuality.
In a world where Cardi B, Miley Cyrus, Madonna, Nicki Minaj, and similar performers are popular and wildly celebrated, this explanation has less currency than it would have in the past and lacks explanatory power.
What to Do?
Whatever the explanation may be, it is worth noting that young women are paying a high price for hooking up. The sexual “liberation” so many embrace creates emotional shackles.
One solution, of course, would be to help women be more capable of responding to casual sex in a way that trivializes their participation. To have them be more comfortable accepting the same perspective held by many men – where they would find many supporters.
However, a healthier approach is for men and women to practice greater restraint. Women can steadfastly hold on to those traditional values congruent with their neurobiology. It is vital to recognize that by virtue of the differences between male and female brains, women are more naturally inclined to take the nobler (and healthier) approach by limiting sex to committed relationships. In doing so, women would demonstrate that they value themselves as women and as individuals.
Additionally, when women maintain such a high standard, it encourages men to step up and do what is necessary to meet that standard and engage in a committed relationship; to be the kind of men that women want.
Parents and the culture more generally, have a pivotal role to play in forewarning young people – and young women especially – of the psychological costs of participating in the hookup culture. It would be wise to encourage young women to reclaim the high ground and view themselves as too valuable to be treated simply as objects for a man’s sexual gratification.
Efforts should likewise be made to encourage young men to value women and see the wisdom in the more traditionally “female” perspective toward sex – where sexual intimacy is valued, understood as a profoundly bonding experience, and preceded by significant commitment.
This view respects a women’s natural inclination to place more value on sexual intimacy than men usually do. Yes, it thwarts the high libidinal drive of men and places priority on women’s nature.
If the men and women of younger generations are helped to understand these important truths about sexual intimacy, the lives of both sexes would likely be vastly improved.
Dominique Inkrott, LSW, is a graduate of Azusa Pacific University. Her clinical work focuses on teens and adults, emphasizing enhancing her client's capacity to engage in meaningful, life-changing relationships.
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The Risk Filled Myth Behind Meaningless Sex - Psychology Today
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