I like Doug Burgum as much as anyone — about 38% worth, according to recent state polling. With the other 62%, I like tacos. I had hope until he pledged fealty to Donald J. Word Salad. Instead of canceling “the good old boys,” Burgum aligned with “the dumb old boys,” transparently signaling that everything henceforth would be political calculus. Therein, the problem.
Burgum: “How are free school lunches for hungry kids polling?”
Consultant: “Well, if you subtract the hypotenuse of the quantum delineation squared by the space-time continuum, add pi, then divide by Schrodinger's cat ...”
Burgum: “I know! I know! Let them eat cats!”
Initially, Burgum positioned himself as a global technocrat who'd treat North Dakota bumpkins “like customers,” which, for anyone who actually shops, felt somewhat threatening.
ADVERTISEMENT
In June, he reinvented himself as Chaps Burgum, a man of (38% of) the people, a high-tech cowpuncher herding black baldies by day (it's not racist) and blowing mainframe breakers all night while reinventing the state's business plan. Conclusion: Keep drilling.
His presidential launch video depicted him as a decisive hombre who'd do many transformative, if vague, things. Instead, we got Hopalong Doug with his trigger finger in the wind.
Nationally, he's polling lower than a hog's chin on market day, and consultants are going incognito to protect future employment possibilities. By December, they'll claim they never even heard of the guy. And be completely believable.
Consultant: “You a religious man, Governor?”
Burgum: “Maybe. How's it polling?”
Consultant: “Sir, we believe it's time for a Hail Mary. Time to unleash the authentic Daryl Burgum.”
Burgum: “Businessman or cowboy authentic?”
Inexplicably, he opted for Marianne Williamson. Data-driven Doug announced last week on ABC that an eagle told him to run for president. I'd have gone with a burning bush, but who am I to criticize? I'm a mystic, myself, and I've seen some crazy stuff. Mostly in the '70s, though.
ADVERTISEMENT
In politics, it's about being true to your brand. When you enter as a steam-pressed, logical, high-tech outsider … morph into Rooster Cogburn to run for president … and five months later, become Governor Doolittle, well, it's jarring.
Now, if I told a bird story, it wouldn't be off-brand because I'm so frequently flipped them. Indeed, one afternoon, a bald eagle landed on my church clutching a pheasant …
“Your church?” you ask. Yes. In 2011, I moved the Jud Congregational Church to my property, and I haven't lost a religious argument since. When I retort, “Do you own your own church?” that pretty much settles it.
… anyway, my eagle experience was a letdown. No Doug of Arc stuff. Not even a suggestion I run for county commission. My takeaway? Eat more poultry, I guess.
Maybe Burgum is on a mission from God. Or Pete Retzlaff. Then again, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, an eagle is just an eagle, and sometimes your bush just catches fire. Because you're in British Columbia. At least that's what the Zeta Reticulans told me.
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column from North Dakota for Forum News Service.
"do it" - Google News
October 25, 2023 at 07:00PM
https://ift.tt/gumXJTh
Bender: The eagle made him do it - Fargo - INFORUM
"do it" - Google News
https://ift.tt/XJRIG1N
https://ift.tt/umL0v69
Bagikan Berita Ini
0 Response to "Bender: The eagle made him do it - Fargo - INFORUM"
Post a Comment