Molly, 27
I do sometimes wish he would initiate more – but I am also aware that I can be cold and need my space
Nick and I have a two-year-old, so sex is irregular. During my pregnancy, we only had sex twice, because I felt disassociated from my body. I hated being prodded and poked and examined by doctors. My libido returned a few months after our daughter was born, and I found having sex with Nick healing, after the ordeal of childbirth. It was him touching me, with care, not some stranger.
We bought a vibrator to encourage us to do it more often, post-baby, but now it’s in the cupboard collecting dust. It just didn’t do much for me; I much prefer the feeling of Nick’s skin on mine. He is very hairy, absolutely everywhere, like a sexy Chewbacca. I particularly love the blankety feeling of his fluffy beard on my face when we snog.
I definitely initiate sex more frequently than Nick. I think he avoids propositioning because he fears being rejected. I do sometimes wish he would initiate more – but I am also aware that I can be cold and need my space, so I understand why he worries about me pushing him away. To be honest, I would rather it was this way round than him following me around the house. To address the fact that we often feel horny at different times, we have tried scheduling sex, but the rota turned intimacy into a chore. Recently, I suggested that we should let go of the idea that we should be having a minimum number of shags a month, which has been liberating. We now grab the moment when we can – usually when our daughter is napping.
This new element of spontaneity has made sex feel steamier, even though what we actually do together in bed is never particularly wild. My ex often told me I needed to be more assertive in bed, or less stiff. I felt a constant pressure to be adventurous, especially as I was younger and childless. Nick has always made me feel as if I can be myself in bed – but in a weird way, having a baby has made me enjoy sex even more, because it has freed me from the sense that there is a certain sort of sex I “should” be having. Nick and I only really do two positions – doggy and spooning – but who cares? That’s what we truly enjoy.
Nick, 27
We’d like to have sex more, but often our moods are mismatched
In my head, I overimagine Molly rejecting me if I initiate, so I play it safe until I’m absolutely certain she wants to. I would hate to suggest sex and be rejected. I know it would really upset me. I think we’d both say we’d like to have sex more, but often our moods are mismatched. I am a hospital doctor and encounter a lot of death at work, which can make it hard to be vulnerable and give myself away at the end of the day. I can sometimes be a million miles away and want to play my video games.
And when I am in the mood, Molly can be preoccupied with other things. But I don’t mind the infrequency, because when we actually do it, it’s always lovely. Two years ago, we purchased a few sex toys and tried to push ourselves to be more adventurous. Once we even used a big wand vibrator that we had to plug in, but we don’t need all the bells and whistles. I’ve never really cared that our sex life isn’t wild or kinky, because I’ve never been as sexually connected to anyone in the same way.
We lost an element of that physical togetherness during Molly’s pregnancy. She had zero sex drive, but I didn’t blame her. She reassured me that she still loved me and found me attractive, she just wasn’t there physically. About eight weeks after having our daughter, her urge for sex returned. I think we were both surprised when it happened. It was very unlike us: frantic, passionate, literally up against the wall.
Nowadays, we have sex once every couple of weeks. We like positions that allow for a lot of body contact. It’s not passionate, sweaty and fast. It’s sensuous and cuddly. Normally, sex happens in the afternoon when our daughter is sleeping. We’ve always been afternoon-prone, even before she was born. It’s a sleepy, sexy time of day. By the evening, we’re often too tired and just want to watch TV.
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This is how we do it: ‘I would hate to suggest sex and get rejected – it would really upset me’ - The Guardian
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