My youngest graduated from high school this week so, pandemic depending, come September he and his older sister will be off to college, leaving me and the missus alone in an empty nest and crying into our rapidly depleting savings account.
That gives me just enough time to perfect the playing of my Cranky Old Person card, which should be arriving any day now from the local Illuminati. For people of a certain age, stage of life and tenure in Stamford, it’s like an AARP card except instead of discounts for stays at a Holiday Inn Express it allows you to make irrational or contradictory statements about issues and, in the process, overuse exclamation points. At least that’s what I gather from perusing the local Facebook and NextDoor groups I belong to.
So — cough cough — excuse me while I practice my random yelling at clouds.
“Look at this property tax bill! Can you believe all this money going to public schools? I don’t even have kids in the schools! I got snipped years ago!”
“How can the Finance Board even THINK of letting a private company run Terry Conners Ice Rink? It’s a public rink and the public should run it, no matter the cost!”
“Football is NOT too dangerous! What do you want to do: just wind the kids up in bubble wrap and set ’em them in front of their screens all day? Stupid snowflakes.”
“Stupid cell phone print is too small! Someone get me one of those snowflakes with the dangly things in their ears to fix this thing!”
“I have a Constitutional right not to wear a mask. It’s called freedom of expression!”
“Who do these protesters think they are? Complain, complain, complain!”
“Downtown is just overrun with luxury apartments and chain stores! The place just has no character anymore.”
“So long, Cheesecake Factory. Goodbye, Fairway Market. Those Democratic administrations ruin everything.”
“The potholes in this town! Why can’t they repave these roads, at least the ones I drive on?”
“What’s with all the road construction in this town? One lane closed here, detour there, flagman ahead! And why is it only on the streets I drive on?”
“All these illegal apartments and sublets — why can’t the city do something about them?”
“Affordable housing units in my neighborhood? I’m calling my lawyer! Soon as I can figure out how to get the flippin’ print on this cell phone bigger.”
“The schools hired back an athletic director? Why not hire back some teachers? No wonder our children are falling behind the dang Commies!”
“What’s with all this standardized testing? The more we test, the more the dang Commies know how far behind them we are!”
“The city won’t spring for fireworks on July 4? That’s unpatriotic and un-American!”
“Would you and your dang kids stop shooting off those firecrackers all day and night? Your making my dog wet the rug! And it’s Persian!”
“Bah: kids will be kids. Enough with this PC guff!”
“All these out-of-towners are overrunning our beaches. I don’t care how much you want to charge them, they shouldn’t be playing on my tax-funded shore!”
“Increase my beach permit by $2 a year? Are you crazy? I’ve got two kids to put through college!”
Stamford native and resident Kevin McKeever, a nationally award-winning columnist, is a freelance writer. Email him at kevin@writeonkevin.com.
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July 10, 2020 at 07:00PM
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Kevin McKeever: Empty nest is quickly filled with cranky musings - CT Insider
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