Samantha Gray
My mother sent me the book “I Don’t Know How She Does It.”
I always remember the opening scene in the book. The mother is wrestling with some store-bought pastries, repackaging them and incorporating some flour to make them look homemade, preparing to take them to some event, probably a school event. That was thrilling, and I made a mental note. The truth is, I would have to be honest and just take the store-bought cookies as is, but I would definitely take off the price tag. More truthfully, I’m the annoying one that would take a veggie or fruit tray.
“I don’t know how you do it.” If you’re a parent, juggling work, children and more, you may have had someone say this to you. I’ve had it said to me and have honestly responded, “Not very well,” especially if I’m trying to hold up the idea that I can make homemade cookies as well as get to everything I have to do.
If our model was a parent who seemingly managed it all perfectly — hot meals, children’s activities, clean home, hobbies, traditions, homemade Halloween costumes, volunteer work, etc. — we wonder how we can do it all. Logically, we know it’s not possible or reasonable to measure up, so to speak, so we change our expectations. Rather than pot roast for every Sunday noon meal, sandwiches work great. Serving as my family’s technology support person became a priority, so managing computer viruses is more important than weekly dusting.
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We can temper our expectations too by recognizing there can be different seasons to our lives. Breastfeeding and carrying our children are short periods of time in the bigger scheme. The hobbies we love may be temporarily substituted with ones that are also enriching, such as learning to navigate “Minecraft” or make costumes for the school show. High productivity is traded for a slower pace, stopping with your toddler to greet every dog on a formerly fast-paced walk, but soon you’ll be trying to keep up. It’s part of our growing as a parent. In the meantime, how do we do it? We still have to get things done.
We can get more done when we coordinate. Organize a family meeting, starting even when the children are small, and work together to delegate responsibilities. Much of what is put in place in the early years becomes the template for later years. It’s more difficult to begin routines if you wait until children are older, and you’ll be glad you have a plan for when your collective lives are even more full.
We get more done when we learn to ask for help. This is probably the hardest part of parenting. They are our children, and we feel like all the responsibility is ours. We also don’t like to impose. We may have particular ways of parenting that we want respected. The case is, part of parenting is bringing loving, caring adults into our children’s lives and into our own lives. The sooner we recognize that asking for help is not a matter of pride, we benefit from the rich experiences of other adults. Known as alloparenting, cultures around the world depend on nonparental care in children’s lives. Social support of friends, coaches, teachers, neighbors, mentors, parents waiting at dance class or theater rehearsal, and so on, improves child development and our own wellbeing.
We get more done when we take time to build community. Find a parenting group that meets, and show up. I would say just show up, but it’s a bit like jumping into a twirling jump rope. You may miss the first couple of gatherings, but don’t give up. If there isn’t a group near you that exists, start one. Meet at your house or at a playground. Many Friday mornings I had mini-muffins and a partially clean house ready and welcomed parents, babies and siblings. You can even connect to an organization with groups around the world that will resource you and support you, like Nurturings, Attachment Parenting International, La Leche League or Bristol Babies, Cherished Mom or Holistic Moms Network. My community connections built years ago are people who still pour love into my children’s lives.
We get more done with more hands. Consider reaching out and arranging to have a “mother’s helper,” or any kind of parent helper. A student not old enough to babysit on her own can learn about caring for children from you and create a fun time for your children. You have more affordable help while you have a moment to accomplish a task. Our mother’s helpers over the years have been like family to us.
If you don’t have family near, adopt a grandparent. As with the mother’s helper, the grandparent is at home with you and reading and playing with the children while you get a shower or meet a quick deadline. A grandmother from my church showed up at my house with lunch and four hours to spend with me and my newborn. I asked her why she was helping me, and she replied that someone had helped her with the invitation to help someone else in the future. Years later, with a 4-year-old and a newborn, and family far away, grandmothers from a local church helped me adjust. They remain friends, attending my children’s birthday parties over the years, picking them up from practice when I have a conflict, and are dear support more than 20 years later.
Adjusting our expectations, learning more about parenting and welcoming supportive adults in my children’s lives makes me more of a parent, not less of a parent. Help with parenting makes our parenting less stressful and more enjoyable, and when we are the caring adult in other children’s lives, we help make parenting sweet.
Samantha Gray is a mother of three and the Coordinator of the Parenting Education Network, an initiative of Bristol’s Promise (BristolsPromise.org). She is also the Executive Director of Nurturings, an international parenting education and support organization (Nurturings.org), and the author of Directing Confidence: Cathy DeCaterina’s Theatre Bristol and Let’s Dress up and Pretend (TheatreBristol.org).
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March 27, 2022 at 12:30PM
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On Parenting: 'I don't know how you do it' - Bristol Herald Courier
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