Trans activists have caused a stir this week by claiming that biological males are capable of breastfeeding babies – provided they take special drugs to induce lactation. I for one find such an idea alarming.
This is because, now that our wives have heard the news, they’ll force us poor men to breastfeed, too.
Of course they will. For many mothers, breastfeeding is an exhausting chore. It leaves them horribly sleep-deprived. It can cause them great physical discomfort. And it can make them feel embarrassed when doing it in public.
Now they’ve learned that males can be induced to lactate, therefore, they’ll make their husbands share the load. Just as modern fathers are expected to go 50:50 on the nappy-changing, we’ll be expected to go 50:50 on the breastfeeding, as well.
What a nightmare. Now we men will have to suffer the sleeplessness, pain and inconvenience that women have always had to endure. We’ll have to wear special paternity bras. We’ll have to put up with strangers tutting when we breastfeed on the bus (“Come on, mate, put ’em away”). And, worst of all, we’ll have to give up the one thing that makes fatherhood bearable: beer.
There won’t be any ducking out of it, either – because we’ll be subjected to the same peer pressure and guilt-tripping that mothers face. Newspapers will publish endless studies claiming that children who are breastfed by their fathers do better at school. Men’s magazines will be full of articles sternly reminding their readers that breast is best. Men who choose to bottle-feed their babies will be made to feel like inadequate fathers.
It’s a horrifying prospect. And I can see only one way to avoid it. The supply of these special lactation drugs is bound to be limited. So, if we men all start taking them, there won’t be enough left for trans women.
And as the NHS, like all other modern institutions, is terrified of angering trans activists, it won’t dare take that risk.
This nannying nonsense takes the cake
Here’s an exquisite piece of nanny statism. This week, Transport for London banned an advert for a West End play called Tony n’ Tina’s Wedding. Why? Because the advert featured a big picture of a wedding cake. And, according to Transport for London, it therefore promotes “the consumption of high fat, salt and sugar foods”.
How exactly it does this, I’m not sure. Perhaps TfL fears that Tube passengers will see the picture, be overwhelmed by a craving for wedding cake, and immediately propose to the passenger in the next seat, just so they can get their hands on some.
TfL is of course right to say that wedding cake is high in sugar. It’s unlikely to cause weight gain, though, for the simple reason that it’s eaten so rarely. To get fat on it, you’d have to attend several weddings a week. Come to think of it, perhaps that’s why Liz Taylor struggled so badly with her weight in middle age. Her spokesman famously claimed it was because of her “glands”. But really it was because she couldn’t stop getting married.
Still, at least Londoners now know where they stand: cake is evil, and must not be promoted in public. As it happens, the Prince and Princess of Wales were in London this week, celebrating 75 years of the NHS by serving staff at St Thomas’ Hospital with slices of birthday cake. They should count themselves lucky that Sadiq Khan didn’t have them arrested on the spot.
Vegan vengeance
These are tough times for restaurateurs. Their costs are soaring. Fewer and fewer people can afford to eat out. And now, to top it all off, they find themselves being subjected to bizarre hate campaigns by enraged vegans.
Last month the celebrity chef John Mountain, a former star of Great British Menu, announced that he would no longer serve vegan food at his Fyre restaurant in Perth, Australia. In retaliation, vegans gave the restaurant countless one-star reviews online, to deter new customers. Then, a week ago, a group of vegan protesters stormed the restaurant, shouting, “You have blood on your hands!” and using a loudspeaker to blast out the screams of pigs being slaughtered.
Now Sally Cooper, who owns a bistro in Ventnor on the Isle of Wight, says she’s been on the receiving end of similar treatment. After she told a prospective diner that her bistro didn’t serve vegan dishes, she was bombarded with threats and offensive messages, and received abusive phone calls calling her a “murdering b----”. Like John Mountain’s restaurant, her bistro also suffered an onslaught of one-star reviews. She says the experience left her in tears.
I have every sympathy for these restaurateurs. I hope it won’t upset them, however, when I say they should apologise to the vegans, and promise to fill their menus with sumptuous vegan dishes, using delicious meat substitutes. These days, meat substitutes are surprisingly authentic. Indeed, they’re increasingly difficult to distinguish from real meat.
This is great news for restaurateurs. Because it means they can secretly serve vegan diners with meat – while telling them it’s meat substitute.
Everyone wins. The restaurateurs get revenge on the spiteful, bullying vegans who have tried to destroy their businesses. The vegans, meanwhile, unwittingly get to enjoy a far healthier diet, full of the vitamins and nutrients they’ve been foolishly denying themselves.
And, since they’ll be eating properly for once, perhaps they’ll cheer up, and stop being so rude.
Way of the World is a twice-weekly satirical look at the headlines aiming to mock the absurdities of the modern world. It is published at 7am every Tuesday and Saturday
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July 08, 2023 at 01:00PM
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If trans women can breastfeed their children, shouldn't men do it, too? - The Telegraph
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